Evangelion 3,99: You Can Redo Forever and Ever
by Aayla Security
Summary: A complete parody of Evangelion 3.0-3.33, featuring Shinji, an unholy combination of Pandora and Antichrist; Gendo, world's sickest Orpheus ever; Asuka, Connoisseur of insulting Shinji; Kaworu, who sings Broadway musicals, and Rei, or IS SHE?


Author's note: the Evangelion cash cow belongs to those who own the cash cow. And Maybe and Maybe (reprise) belong to Annie, the Broadway Musical, which has nothing to do with me, either.

* * *

ANNO: Let's redo this franchise again! This time, WE ARE REALLY DOING THIS RIGHT INSTEAD OF TURNING IT INTO A PUBLIC DISPLAY OF MY THERAPY SESSION.

EVANGELION Q: YOU CAN (NOT) REDO

ANNO: Who the fuck put that in the title?

EXT. SPACE DOGFIGHT

ASUKA: (rips off helmet) How could a helmet be in anyway useful when the only time I need protection of my head is when I get blown to bits?! Help me out here, Cynically Designed New Character.

MARI: I wear glasses, I pink-colored both my Eva and plug suit, and I have insulting AND childish nicknames for everybody. (pause) I also make cat noises.

They attempt to capture a 3D CROSS that is UNIT 01'S COFFIN. They seem to win, then they DON'T.

MARI: Oh no! I must abandon you for no reason!

ASUKA: I would've fired you hadn't we needed two Eva pilots. SHINJI YOU MORON! DO SOMETHING, YOU LUCIFER INCARNATE!

Responding, SHINJI'S SUBCONSCIOUS destroys the COFFIN, creating the 1000TH RELIGIOUS SYMBOLISM in this franchise.

EXT. MOON

KAWORU: (to the shooting star) Welcome back, Shinji. I promise to try really hard not to die this time.

INT. WUNDER

MISATO and RITSUKO discuss over SHINJI'S UNCONSCIOUS FORM.

RITSUKO: There he is, our Modern Pandora, re-materialized from something or other.

MISATO: Awesome! People, wake him up so that he can see what a colossal failure with no redeeming qualities he has been.

RITSUKO: Why? Hasn't history demonstrated that he's an unholy combination of Pandora and Antichrist? He will destroy the world in seven days if you grant him any kind of consciousness and motor function! We should just kill him, or at least keep him in indefinite suspension!

MISATO: Not if I install safety measures like a strapping bomb to his neck.

RITSUKO: Oh. Well, if that still doesn't work, you owe me ten meal blocks.

SHINJI wakes up.

SHINJI: I saved Ayanami, thus satiating my personal desires by putting the whole world at risk! I'm a great person! (pause) Hold on, where's my parade?

MISATO: Hello, Shinji. There are days when I'm really proud of you. Today is not one of those days.

SAKURA: Project has gained self-awareness! Specifically, he's aware that everyone except for possibly me on this ship loathes him.

SHINJI: And why am I wearing a bomb? Can I take it off?

MISATO: Up yours. Now that I've seen you struggle with the bomb in futile, you can be re-restrained and escorted back to your quarantine room.

OPERATORS: Incoming!

MISATO: Damn! Then observe and watch how non-Antichrists urgently fight for their survival, you deplorable war criminal!

CUE: MAGNIFICENT WAR MUSIC

EXT. HOTH

The REBELS are coordinating evacuation, restocking supplies, optimizing some reaction furnace, producing electricity, doing routine checkups, making sure that LCL flows and dealing with PEOPLE ISSUES.

INT. WUNDER – CONTROL DECK

The OPERATORS are checking the parameters, teaching each other how to use the control panels, and assigning responsibilities.

SHINJI: (checks watch) It's been four minutes since you declared a state of emergency.

SAKURA: Apologies. This is the Captain's first startup. She doesn't know what organizational alignment or crisis management means yet.

SHINJ: I'm torn between feeling highly dissatisfied and fear that I'm really gonna die.

The AGGRESSORS close in on them.

RITSUKO: According to data and my simulation our chance of winning is precisely zero!

OPERATORS: And we don't want to fight!

MISATO: That's because you idiots didn't factor in our most important competitive advantage: the Evas. Mari! Do you want to redeem your character or make the audience despise you even more?

MARI: I can't fight! I'm probably busy drinking soft drink!

MISATO: I thought so. Asuka, can you fight just after the audience saw how damaged your Eva was?

ASUKA: Of course. What do you think I am, an incompetent Eva pilot reject? (pause) That means YOU, Shinji.

SHINJI: But I'm not. Let me drive Unit 01!

MISATO: Maybe if I remain unresponsive long enough, he will go away.

SHINJI: MISATO-SAN!

MISATO: (sighs) Besides the fact that Unit 01 is our power source now, no, you are NOT allowed to operate any heavy machinery. Not EVER.

EXT. DEFROSTED HOTH?

Some AT fields get erected! Something explodes! Something else spins really fast! ASUKA sticks something into something else! There is huge splash! WUNDER rises out of water and drags something out of it! Then it breaks into four pieces but WUNDER shoots all of them by forcing them onto a MERRY-GO-ROUND!

OPERATORS: That was awesome, if not confusing, to watch.

INT. WUNDER – QUARANTINE ROOM

RITSUKO: Just so you know, the bomb on your neck, pretentiously codenamed DSS choker, prevents the user from operating the Eva in a plot-significant way by exploding them.

SHINJI: Why not just render them unconscious? What the hell did I do? Why are you punishing me like this?

Suddenly, ASUKA appears to explain why.

ASUKA: Everything would've been better had your mom just aborted you!

She punches then thrusts her CROTCH in SHINJI'S face, separated only by a GLASS WALL.

SHINJI: I sincerely wish you are not perpetuating any sexual innuendo here.

ASUKA: I'm not, but the audience is. It's been fourteen years since your last movie. Everything has changed. For example, I no longer think your existence is worthless, because I've come to see that it constitutes irrefutable proof that Jesus really did die in vain.

SHINJI: That's unfair! I saved Ayanami!

ASUKA: Pfft. You know what your problem is? Too much self-esteem.

She leaves. There's suddenly an ALARM.

REI (OR IS SHE?): (V.O.) Target Ikari, state your location.

SHINJI: Holy shit, is that Ayanami?

REI (OR IS SHE?) (V.O.): Target Ikari, respond to this message to state your location.

SHINJI: I'm here!

REI breaks off the wall to reveal SHINJI and CO.

MISATO: Why did we place him in some side room instead of the heavily fortified deep bowels of this ship again?

SAKURA: Shinji, whatever you do, don't pilot an EVA!

SHINJI: To hell with all of you! You treated me like 19th Century doctors treated Black Death carriers!

MISATO: Dude, there's a bomb on your neck. We can set you together with Apparently Rei on fire if we want to.

SHINJI: I don't care! Dying after committing atrocities is better than living unloved!

He flies away with REI.

REI (OR IS SHE?): Target Ikari retrieved. Awaiting further orders.

RITSUKO: Quick, the bomb!

MISATO: I…I can't! Despite my tough exterior deep down I'm still crippled by emotional weakness!

RITSUKO: Well, now you owe me ten meal blocks.

INT. NERV HEADQUARTERS

SHINJI sees REI.

SHINJI: I knew I saved you! I'm not a monster, after all!

REI (OR IS SHE?): That is irrelevant for the order.

They travel to the central OFFICE. On his way, SHINJI suddenly hears PIANO MUSIC from the lower level.

KAWORU: (waving frantically) Hey! Hey! Ikari-kun, over here! You should feel inexplicably connected to me!

SHINJI: Er…I will be going now.

GENDO: Greetings, son. You'll be piloting this Eva with the weirdo you just saw. That is all.

SHINJI: Wait, what? But the audience has so many unanswered questions! What happened to Tokyo-3? Where are my classmates? Why do all your former employees hate you? Why is NERV's facility in such a badly tended state? Why didn't Kaworu stop the Third Impact? Where the hell is Kaji? Why have some parts of the Earth frozen over? How are you still operating without energy or human resources or captive Angels? Who is your benefactor? What is your agenda? How did you get the Evas? Why can't I go out and see the world? What are the usual triggers of an impact? Does the lore from other series apply to this movie? Why are the Angels so much weaker than in any other series? Are there parallel worlds and if there are, what sort of effect does that have on the plot? What am I supposed to do with my free time when I'm not driving the Eva? Where is my room's bathroom? Where did you get such disgusting, synthesized food? Why did you leave your beloved wife with WILLE? Why is there a piano down here? And when did I become aware that Kaworu is an Angel and why am I not freaked out by it? Wait, Dad! DAD!

EXT. SOME INDUSTRIAL COMPOUND

SHINJI finds an excuse to see REI, after traversing through eight different area of the deserted and/or automated facility.

SHINJI: (panting) Was it really necessary to show the audience how much EVERY SINGLE PART OF NERV has changed?

He enters REI'S PRIVATE QUARTERS without knocking.

SHINJI: Hey, Ayanami, I just thought – (pause) Jesus Christ, how can you wear nothing in the privacy of your own home? Cover thyself, GOD.

REI (OR IS SHE?): Compliance. Apparently I take orders from non-Gendo. (pause) Until I decide not to.

She puts on some clothing.

SHINJI: Anyway, I wanted to thank you for giving me this outdated tape recorder that has come to symbolize so many things that the writers aren't really sure what it symbolizes anymore.

REI (OR IS SHE?): (stares)

SHINJI: That's okay. I'm used to talking to myself. So, nice plug suit.

REI (OR IS SHE?): (stares)

SHINJI: Can you perhaps answer some of the questions that I asked of my dad?

REI (OR IS SHE?): No.

SHINJI: Er…do you remember what happened after the last movie? That is, how did you escape and not end up with WILLE?

REI blinks uncomprehendingly.

SHINJI: (getting impatient) What do you do when you're not following orders?

REI (OR IS SHE?): I wait for orders.

SHINJI: (exasperated) Do you do ANYTHING to demonstrate your individuality?

REI (OR IS SHE?): Your blood pressure is three points above average for comparable units. Your operation is inefficient for the purpose of following orders. I advise medical attention.

INT. UNDERGROUND

GENDO: (to SEELE) I will use Shinji's Eva to fulfill the Human Instrumentality project, which is just as fucked up as it sounds! MWA HA HA HA HA!

FUYUTSUKI: And as another evil scientist I have no competing agenda myself, shockingly.

EXT. DESERTED NERV FACILITIES

SHINJI occupies himself with DOING USELESS SHIT.

SHINJI: I'm bored as hell. Even my tape recorder, the tape in which I've listened to for the 100th time, is not working.

He hears PRE-RECORDED MUSIC.

KAWORU: Ikari-kun! Come down here for an actual conversation that isn't traumatizing!

SHINJI: Okay. Anything short of driving a screwdriver through my skull is preferable now.

He gets down there, and is coerced into playing the piano with KAWORU. The PIANO is manufactured by YAMAHA, the premier manufacturers of all kinds of musical instruments and provider of free music education. The YAMAHA LOGO is displayed prominently on the screen. We feel a sudden urge to visit a PIANO store.

SHINJI: How beautiful and meticulously and lovingly animated this piano is. I'm sure it's because the producers really love this segment.

They play it together, because SHINJI is in the 99th percentile in GENIUS when it comes to MUSIC.

KAWORU: Your kids can learn to play the piano painlessly and wonderfully like Ikari-kun!

SHINJI: That was so much fun! Thank you so much, weird white-haired man-child and YAMAHA!

They play the piano some more, while what are presumably GAY HORSES frolic in the background.

SHINJI: I'm really starting to love playing the piano because of you. Can I ask you to fix my excessively symbolic tape recorder as a sign of trust and dependence?

KAWORU: You can ask ANYTHING of me, Ikari-kun.

Eventually they advance to the stage of doing some STAR GAZING together.

SHINJI: I like stars because I'm more comfortable with constants and the past.

KAWORU: I agree. Watching supernovas and the formation of galaxy that actually happened billions of years ago is quite inspiring, if I can ignore how that black hole was eating away the Red Giant. Thanks for the invitation! (pause) I think I was born to meet you.

SHINJI: (swoons)

KAWORU: Er, I mean I was probably LITERALLY born to meet you. They created me in a tank and for some reason I'm really compelled to earn your trust. (pause) But who cares, right? Let's stay together forever and ever.

They interact some more.

SHINJI: After attaining some happiness and forging a reasonably strong connection to other people, namely you, I'm finally getting out of my "survivor" mode and starting to wonder whether my actions have consequences on other people.

KAWORU: Gee, the revelation might drive you crazy. Are you sure you wanna know?

SHINJI hesitates.

KAWORU: Let's go before you change your mind and not advance the plot.

EXT. WASTELAND

They descend the stairs.

SHINJI: I thought I said I wanted to look at the city ABOVE NERV's headquarters. What's there to see underneath it?

KAWORU: Well, it just so happens that everything above NERV has been obliterated.

SHINJI: What?

The POST-APOCALYPTICALLY TOXIC FOG finally clears. They see the LIQUID OF LIFE, with RELIGIOUS SYMBOLISMS everywhere.

SHINJI: Oh. My. Fucking. God.

KAWORU: You did all this. You were the unwitting trigger in NERV's insane and ridiculously symbolic plan to either drown or liquefy everybody on Earth.

SHINJI: But why? Why would they do this?!

KAWORU: Because they couldn't get all the Jews to move to Jerusalem. They also feebly justified it as "evolution," forgetting that evolution is merely a directionless process of mutation and selection by the environment.

SHINJI: (pause) I guess there's no more Yo-Yo Ma concert, then. (cries)

EXT. TOP OF NERV HEADQUARTERS

FUYUTSUKI: Apparently the "kid" from SEELE has told your son about the Third Impact.

GENDO: That's fine. NERV, as represented by me, may be working with SEELE, but I have my own objective.

FUYUTSUKI: I thought you were doing this for your son.

GENDO: Shut up! Do you want to confuse the audience with cryptic remarks so much that they stop watching?

INT. HALLWAY

FUYUTSUKI: I have an excuse to talk to you. Do you have a minute?

SHINJI: Sure. I guess you're going to tell me there was no silver lining whatsoever to my destroying the world, to satisfy all conditions of my mental breakdown.

FUYUTSUKI: Exactly so. (hands photograph) This is your mom. Didn't she look like Rei?

SHINJI: Big deal. I was basically the male version of Maya and no one cared.

FUYUTSUKI: Also, your mother's maiden name was Ayanami.

SHINJI: You'd think I'd be more suspicious of my memory loss when I couldn't even remember that.

FUYUTSUKI: ANYWAY, she dedicated her life to science, specifically the science of fusing human mental processes with giant alien brains. To that end, she became Unit 01's control system, because she loved getting a Nobel Prize more than her family. Literally speaking. At least, before she discovered controlling alien brains was actually pretty boring compared to beating the hell out of other aliens for her kid.

He turns an exhibit's lights on.

FUYUTSUKI: That was where your mom disappeared in a burst of God Light. Then Gendo cloned thousands of her heads, metaphorically speaking.

SHINJI: You mean cloned thousands of my mom, right?

FUYUTSUKI: Just the heads. Then he shelved them, put them in a giant fridge, and wheeled the fridge into this room so that I can show you the abomination to complete the metaphor. The Rei you "saved" was one of them, and some form of her stayed in Unit 01. Literally.

SHINJI: Oedipus Complex, Stockholm Syndrome , borderline incest…Are you saying all the potential heterosexual relationships that I have in this film series are horribly wrong in one way or another?

FUYUTSUKI: In conclusion, don't try to redo the world, because what's done is done and cannot be reversed. Also, your dad sold his soul to the Devil.

SHINJI: I would've said I'm aware of that, but this is so confusingly in-depth I don't know whether to take it metaphorically or literally.

He leaves.

FUYUTSUKI: And just like that, my conscience is clear. Now I can do Gendo' s bidding without feeling bad.

INT. NERV - A REVOLTING PLACE

GENDO gazes lovingly into the empty sockets of a ROTTING GIANT REI/YUI HEAD that rests on top of some RED ROTTING THINGS.

GENDO: I'm the world's sickest Orpheus ever.

EXT. SOME INDUSTRIAL COMPOUND

SHINJI has built a precarious tower of BOOKS so that he can dramatically collapse it in an outburst of EMO RAGE.

SHINJI: Won't you please tell me my massacring the human population was not completely bad?!

NOT REI: That display was not relevant to any order arguments. I advise a motivation training seminar.

SHINJI: I mean, sorry, is there a razor blade I can borrow?

NOT REI: Computing. You are a clearly defected model. I advise replacement.

SHINJI walks away, dazed, signified by NEON TINTS and BLURRY AND SHAKY CAMERA.

SHINJI: If I'm going crazy, THE LEAST I CAN DO IS TO MAKE THE AUDIENCE VOMIT.

AUDIENCE: Why are you so cartoonish compared to the ultra-realistic model of the hallway?

INT. SHINJI'S ROOM

KAWORU: Ikari-kun! Your religious extremist of a father wants us to pilot an Eva unit that was born in a sea of blood harvested from the innocent! It's ominously numbered 13, because the numbers 9, 10, 11, and 12 just weren't cutting it.

SHINJI: I WON'T! I'M A COLOSSAL FAILURE WITH NO REDEEMING QUALITIES! And I can't trust anyone, not Eva, which contains a mom who loved her work more than her family, or Dad, for obvious reasons, or Misato, who actually had very good reasons for hating me!

KAWORU: But…you trust me, right?

SHINJI: Er…can I avoid that question by whining about the bomb on my neck?

KAWORU takes off the bomb and straps it to his neck instead.

SHINJI: (horrified) Fine! I trust you! Just take it off in case it sets off and kills you for random reasons, like if Misato-san accidentally sits on the remote!

KAWORU: You see, if Anno wants to murder me, no one can stop him. The key to rendering the Fourth Impact impossible lies in removing two Christianity artifacts from NERV's access, so someone AUDACIOUS must take that preventive and even potentially curative measure.

SHINJI: There can be a Fourth Impact? Didn't they already liquefy 90% of the Earth's population? How much more "evolved" do they want humans to be? I'm totally on board with stopping that from happening, but how can I help in anyway?

KAWORU: Of course you can!

He sings MAYBE to encourage SHINJI.

KAWORU:  
Maybe far away  
Or maybe real nearby  
We may be finding her Body  
And may be reviving all life  
Transcend LCL: All underneath the Seal  
It's same as playing piano  
You'll be saving Tokyo

Since you're so young  
Since you're so smart  
Why not reverse things  
And make a new start  
Saving the world -  
And set your mind free  
Right your mistake  
By siding with me!

So maybe now it's time,  
This may be why you wake  
They'll deny calling you crazy  
Maybe…

SHINJI: Wow. You really do know everything. (pause) You're a shining beacon of hope for all humanity, Nagisa-kun. Uh, I mean, for all Angels. No, I mean you're a great person. For an Angel. Wait, what I really mean is… (pause) Can I start over?

KAWORU: (smiles) Just call me Kaworu.

SHINJI: Well, you can call me Shinji.

They gaze tenderly into each other's eyes, bringing AUDIENCE flashback from when GENDO gazes tenderly into the eyes of YUI CLONE'S SEVERED HEAD.

KAWORU: (to self)  
Oh he's so sweet  
Shows how he feels  
May he not hate me  
Because of my Soul  
Maybe he'll miss  
Or bring forth end times...  
Don't really care  
As long as he's mine…

So maybe I don't care  
I'm last one of my kind  
Won't he please just say he's happy

Shinji…

INT. ENTRANCE TO TERMINAL DOGMA

They are given permission to break the SEAL by NERV, enter the EVA that NERV has prepared for them, escorted by NERV'S SPECIAL AGENT, NOT REI.

SHINJI: Wait, aren't we acting against NERV? Why is NERV helping us out? What excuses are we supplying them with, and are you sure we are not being manipulated by my mysteriously Machiavellian father?

KAWORU: Silly Shinji-kun, it doesn't matter if a plot is illogical if it's an emotional train wreck!

They approach LILITH'S ROTTING CORPSE.

SHINJI: Hey, that was your vehicle, Mark 06! What happened to it?

KAWORU: I switched on autopilot, and shockingly it went absolutely batshit insane when it realized it missed the entire second season of Game of Thrones.

ASUKA: (crashing down) Shinji, you pathetic piece of shit! You do not comprehend the travesty of your existence!

She attacks them!

ASUKA: Get off the Eva!

SHINJI: No, I'm reversing the course of history! And plus you will murder me if I venture outside of the Eva's protection!

ASUKA: (pause) What you say is a blasphemy that has made you worthy of a thousand deaths!

She attacks again, but is fended off by NOT REI, who is in turn fended off by MARI.

MARI: (fighting Rei) O you Adam in Lilimdom!

Meanwhile, ASUKA attacks a passive SHINJI and KAWORU.

SHINJI: How could you? How could you interrupt my community service?!

ASUKA: Wow, you're less likable than even Hitler! AT LEAST HITLER KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING!

She seems to win!

ASUKA (CONT'D): Yes! (battery dies) What is this, anti-Deus Ex Machina?

She is pushed out of the picture.

KAWORU: Oh my goodness, it's all so clear to me now! Gendo, you Priest of Satan! Stop being manipulated, Shinji-kun!

SHINJI: What are you talking about?

KAWORU: Don't you see? Those two lances are exactly alike! Releasing them is like wearing two left shoes – nothing good will come out of it!

SHINJI: But it was your idea!

KAWORU: Which is why you should stop when I tell you to!

SHINJI, probably, disconnects him.

KAWORU: What the hell? Am I not an Angel who can control Evas remotely? What does disconnecting me accomplish?

SHINJI: FUCK IT ALL SHINJI KNOWS BEST! CONTRARIAN ATTACK!

He pulls out the two Lances! All by himself! When everyone else is telling him to stop!

SHINJI: You're welcome, world.

MARK 09 atomizes MARK 06, which wraps itself around EVA 13. YUI/REI'S SEVERED HEAD forebodingly decomposes and recomposes.

KAWORU: And I'm suddenly repurposed as the 13th Angel now, even though I used to be the 1st Angel.

SHINJI: But what the hell does that even mean? And why can't this movie just fucking explain how to avoid awakening an Eva?!

INT. NERV HEADQUARTERS

GENDO: You have been awesome, SEELE. Time to die.

SEELE: To this day we are still confused as to why we were in conflict when our goals were basically the same.

INT. TERMINAL DOGMA, NOT FOR MUCH LONGER

CUE: ODE TO JOY

Unit 13 has attained self-awareness as an Adam descendent, satisfying one of the conditions of setting off the neck bomb.

HOMOPHOBES IN THE AUDIENCE: Yes! Die, Kaworu, die! Protagonist and Female Main Character forever!

KAWORU: NO, I' m NOT dying just yet.

The AWAKENED UNIT 13 paints the sky red and causes SEISMIC ACTIVITIES, but WUNDER rams into it.

MISATO: We will stop the Fourth Impact!

Then WUNDER is infected by MARK 09 while ASUKA goes to get rid of it and MARI goes to take a dump.

MISATO: Never mind.

Eventually, ASUKA succeeds. She and NOT REI fly off to SOMEWHERE IN SPACE.

EXT. UNIT 13'S ENTRY PLUG

Everything is suddenly quiet for some reason.

KAWORU: (wondering) If I'm an Angel, does my body possess internal organs, or just blood like most other Angels?

SHINJI: Stop saying things like that. My sanity is really fragile now after witnessing how my actions killed 99% of all remaining life on Earth. The last thing I need is seeing my only friend's insides splatter in front of me.

KAWORU: It's not your fault, Shinji. Well, not ALL of it, anyway, because it's mostly because of my unexplained re-designation as the 13th Angel.

SHINIJ: I'm so distraught now I don't even wanna know what that means.

KAWORU: It means I will force Unit 13 to self-destruct and allow the bomb to kill myself, thereby breaking the two-soul requirement.

SHINJI: What?!

KAWORU: Shinji, you should recognize and accept changes, and perhaps you will find peace in a religion other than this grotesque parody of a Christian faith. You will find my will inscribed under the piano that we played together.

The DSS CHOKER activates!

KAWORU: (annoyed) I'm not finished yet!

DSS CHOKER: Sorry. Carry on.

KAWORU: Ahem. I will see you again in the next movie. Failing that, I will see you again in another spinoff where I die gruesomely because of you.

SHINJI: No! Don't do this! Not when you can just eject me out of here to break the two-soul requirement!

KAWORU: (sings)  
Shinji, don't cry  
Wipe off your tears  
Though you're not happy  
And sad as I feared

Just live your life  
It's gonna be swell  
Where you belong  
Let fate guide and tell

And maybe you'll forget  
How nice it was with me  
And how you were almost in love with me  
Maybe…

He EXPLODES and redecorates his side of the cockpit with BLOOD, which is actually less gory than one might think.

SHINJI: God fucking dammit!

MARI: (finally caring) But it doesn't work! Because SEELE needs two souls to open the Gateway to Hell, but only one soul to keep it open! Or some shit like that!

She catches SHINJI. She yells at him, but he has given up his SURVIVAL INSTINCTS.

MARI: Do you want to die?!

SHINJI: Yes, that's exactly what I want to do.

She fishes him out and sends him flying to SOMEWHERE ON EARTH, while she CRASHES somewhere else. Everything regresses to the NEW NORMAL.

INT. NERV HEADQUARTERS

FUYUTSUKI: Unfortunately, a half-finished Fourth Impact is basically what SEELE had planned.

GENDO: On the upside, the billion-year-old teenager is dead, Unit 13 had self-awareness for a short period of time, and the wannabe CEO of WILLE is being super predictable.

FUYUTSUKI: Don't you realize every time we appear to shed some light on our evil master plan we just confuse the audience even more?

GENDO: Er…LOOK, OUTRAGEOUS SYMBOLISMS!

EXT. WASTELAND

By some astronomical odds SHINJI, ASUKA and REI (or is she?!) somehow end up near one another. Also, they don't need environmental protection.

ASUKA: One day you will fight so horrendously that you will really trigger the Second Coming of Jesus. Why didn't you save me, you Serial Hell Raiser?

SHINJI: (catatonic) You mean, "Why did you try to kill me?", right?

ASUKA: That was my way of proposing tentative ceasefire. Look, if we don't leave now, we will both die of dehydration and starvation.

SHINJI: (catatonic) Now why does that sound strangely appealing?

ASUKA: Oh, but you might be heading to a different place than KAWORU, James.

APPARENTLY REI: Greetings, persons I was ordered to destroy. In case of emergency landing, I was ordered to locate populated areas in order to self-preserve and potentially return for duty.

ASUKA: Great! I'm rallying the people with every reason to murder each other to form our very own Lost team. Come on!

APPARENTLY REI: Cooperation is conducive to my objective.

SHINJI: (catatonic) This is so NOT going to end well.

To symbolize this, he drops his all-important TAPE RECORDER and doesn't pick it up. A PREVIEW shows up to again lie to the AUDIENCE.

END


End file.
